Janet’s Heartache

Yesterday’s email update and blog posting about Lobby Week in D.C. and Janet Dagley’s motivation to lobby for UAFA prompted inquires about her full story.
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As a mother to two children in binational relationships, one straight and one gay, Janet’s story goes to the heart of why our immigration system is unfair to same-sex couples and why we need change now.
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In her own words, here is the rest of Janet’s story.  We hope that you can join Janet and other activist in D.C. for our Lobby Week -May 6, 7, and 8.

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 “Don’t export my son!”

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Hello, my name is Janet. I’m an American. My two children were born here: they’re Americans, too. More than 200 years ago, our family ancestors fought to establish the United States as a land of equality and religious tolerance, and since then generation after generation of our family has worked to maintain and build upon that legacy.

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We are a deeply rooted American family, but we are also an international family. My son and daughter are adults now, and both of them have been fortunate in finding wonderful life partners, both of whom happen to be citizens of other countries.

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In the years they’ve been together, I’ve been fortunate to have both my children and their partners living nearby. We’ve always gotten together as a family for birthdays, holidays, or just plain family dinners, joyous moments that represent every mother’s dream, with the whole family together. My son was always available to help me with my computer or drive me somewhere I needed to go, and he and his partner made frequent visits to see my elderly mother. But the U.S. government won’t let that happen anymore.

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As a mother, I love both my children equally: any parent knows how that feels. I love their partners equally, too. They are as much a part of our family as anyone else.

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If you want to make a mother angry, give one of her children a right that you deny the other. And if you want to break a mother’s heart, force one of her children to move far away from her in order to keep his household together. That’s what the U.S. government has done to our family, and thousands of others in similar circumstances.

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My daughter and her partner were married last September in his homeland. Because they are an opposite-sex couple, his immigration status was assured from the moment they became engaged, and he is now on the path to American citizenship.

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But my son and his partner are a same-sex couple, which means that even though they have been together for 8 years, they have no relationship in the eyes of United States law. Because of that, our government has given my son a heartbreaking choice: to be with his partner, he has to give up his home, his job, his car, his mother, his sister, his grandmother, and move to another continent to start over with nothing.

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For the past four years, my son’s partner lived here legally as a full-time student, pursuing his dream of becoming a chef.  He wasn’t allowed to work, which was a hardship for our entire family, but we all pulled together and we managed. He had straight A’s, his tuition was paid, he followed all the rules, and all was well until he went back to be with his parents during his father’s heart surgery.  When he applied to return to his home here in New Jersey, his visa was denied because he couldn’t prove that he had a home and a job there in his native country, and because he couldn’t acknowledge his relationship to my son and our family.  My son was left alone here in the home they had made together, and his partner was stranded thousands of miles away with only a suitcase full of possessions he’d taken for what was supposed to be a two-week visit.

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Now my son is in the process of dismantling their household as he goes through the process of applying for permission to live in his partner’s country. Fortunately that country is one of a growing number of nations that give equal rights to same-sex couples, so they will have rights there that are denied them here.

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It breaks my heart to have to say goodbye to my son under these circumstances, and to not even have had a chance to say goodbye to the man I consider my son-in-law. My friends can’t believe it when I tell them my son is, essentially, a political refugee, with no choice but to go elsewhere to find equal rights. “But this is the United States of America!” they tell me. “This can’t be happening!” But it is.

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My 76-year-old mother can’t believe it, either. But she has no choice. She loves my son and his partner, too, just as she loves my daughter and her husband.  She doesn’t understand why it has to be this way, and she’s suffering under the stress. Her blood pressure was under control until this happened, but the shock has destabilized her and continues to threaten her health. Traveling to another continent would be difficult if not impossible for her, and she wonders if she’ll ever see her grandson again.

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We have one glimmer of hope: the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA), which would allow my son to sponsor his partner in the same way my daughter, has sponsored hers. I know it’s not likely to be passed in time to allow my son to stay here and bring his partner back home, but I will continue to urge Congress to pass this important legislation and allow me to bring my family back together.